Feb 20, 2012:Who's to know what's right & what's wrong?
Dear diary,, Mon-dayy *2oo212*.
I am living proof of an individual human being's imperfection.
Today I spent hours reading up on things.
Like Darul Arqam's "TMR(The muslim reader) magazine" on Muslim Converts' stories.
It's not an easy thing, to fight our laziness & go out of our way to do what is expected of us.
Let's look at a more general non-Muslim context. Studying. Dudeee~ I hate studying.
& each time I find myself go back to having faith.. laziness got me procrastinating.
Today I found myself thinking over & over again
"Not there yet".
I'm not there yet. Heck I don't think I'll ever be there yet. It's a long term thing.
It's like you can pour your heart & soul to doing deeds everyday & still not be sure if it's enough.
& I guess the only thing that you can do is keep doing it.
& people get scared thinking "I slack a lot. I'm probably going to hell. I'm such a bad person."
It's that "fear" that you still have that I think pretty much means there's hope for you yet.
What you should be afraid of is when you start to feel very numb of things.
In fact I'm not sure of that view whereby only those who embrace Islam are good people.
To be honest I think that if you have a faith that you avidly carry out with earnest sincerity..
& your heart remains unsullied & just to the rest of human kind no matter how different..
Is there really any way for you to go wrong? Because my God Allah s.w.t. is all merciful.
Because the do'as that we recite gets me repeating how forgiving & how understanding He is.
How merciful & loving. How it doesn't matter to what extent you screw up..
If at the end you come back to his grace with utmost regret & sincerely ask for forgiveness.
Because that is what religion is to me. That is what Islam is for me. & I'm lucky I have it easy.
Islam provides for me "assuage".
The times I actually find myself searching for answers, I feel relieved of pain & fear & grief.
When I pray, I don't feel anymore anger or frustration. Though I am nowhere near a role model.
Everyday is like a constant battle for me. I find myself guilty of frequent procrastination.
This is as honest as I can get. "Should I wake up & pray? But I'm so lazyyy~"
Then I find myself lying around in bed wasting the whole day away.
& then there are times where I suddenly find the motivation to do things.
& I surprise myself for having the willpower to sit & uncover do'as & their meanings for long hrs.
& then I get too happy with myself or arrogant thinking other Muslims are lacking.
Because there are elders who are born-Muslim & cover up but still choose to gossip.
& I have to remind myself that nobody's perfect & that sometimes we let ourselves go.
But it's our duty & the better ver. of "Jihad" to always have that constant battle within ourselves.
Because it's our duty to constantly try & find the truth. If we lose track, search for it.
If we do something wrong, ask for forgiveness. Do a good deed. Learn from it.
Erasing our wrongs isn't really the point. The point is that we know where is it wrong exactly.
& don't repeat. If we have hardships, confide in Allah s.w.t. or our respective Gods.
But at the same time, don't expect immediate results. Don't blame God for the hardships.
Aren't you glad enough that you're not alone? That there will always be someone there for you.
Even if you're atheist or think it's a fairytale.. even that "blind faith" can make you feel at peace.
Why ever not? Even if you go so far as to think they're lies.. if they make you a better person..
Then is it really that bad. Is it really evil? My friend calls it(religion) "Philosophy".
He gathers Philosophies & filters them, takes what he needs & put it to practice.
Good enough for me. If that makes him a better person then okay let's go~
"Remember that there were times when you didn't know what you already know now."
I think it's something like that.. I don't remember where I read that but it helps.
Keeps me from judging others who are either ignorant or think they hold superior.
Because I'm not perfect & I've had my share of sins too. & I'm not perfect so I apologize.
& the people around me might or might not accept the things that I do.
For there will always be at least one person in each moment of your life who dislikes you."
Said my friend & I agree. I'm going to just have to live with it & continue my own research.
Pull myself back from urges & temptations to do wrong. Constantly apologize for my mistakes.
Constantly remind myself, search for the motivation to not die an inactive Muslim.
& constantly search for the truth, & for God, Allah s.w.t.
Because no matter how many ridicule you, He's the one who'll always on your side.
& I know there'll be times that I'll get strayed or just lazy. But I'll work hard to stop.
& stick up to the awesome name given to me at birth.
Nur(Light) Shahiddah(Witness/Truth) Ain(Precious)
Bte(Daughter of) Jumaat(Friday; The holy day).
However you may interpret it as.
& why did I post this "excruciatingly" long post you ask?
Because there's this part of being a Muslim about giving "da'wa".
& I don't think I'd ever dare to shoulder the responsibility of teaching someone what's "right".
So the best I can do is describe my own experience & rationalize what could be in store.
SyidahAinVeeJr.; 9:07 PM
Feb 17, 2012:Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close [GS's 19th]
Dear diary,, Fri-dayy *17o212*.
You smiled.
& bet you don't know how thankful I am because of..
Even if just a glimpse, a moment, a second.
We were like friends. Hopefully with sincerity.
Anyway UT3 killed me. Met up with GS for a while after that.
& Happy Birthday GS. You'll complain if I only write one sentence about you so..
Guo Siong.. what do I have to say about this lad?
He is EXTREMELY annoying.
But he's a nice guy & a good friend. & he'll be the 1st buddy to ask about you.
You know.. check up on you.. asks if you're okay. So I'm here to say..
Dude, I'm glad you were born.
& I'm sorry for when I get moody.
Next topic! Like I said before..
I've been watching/reading/thinking about real things.
This one is about treasuring new life & accepting people's pasts.
-Contradictory to the title, I think it can be rated PG.-
After that you can check out the movie
"Extremely loud & Incredibly close"
About a boy.. & the interesting way his mind ticks.
& the miracles he'll pull off. Of those prior to, during, & post 9/11.
SyidahAinVeeJr.; 8:41 PM
:The panda
Reading too much about stories on life & reflections.
So there was this friend.
A friend I could never really honestly call a friend.
Because lol. Dude seriously how can I ever call you a friend?
What is a friend.
We're everything but friends.
What were we?
We were awkward man.
Or we were comfortable. I can't make up my mind.
We were funny. It really didn't make sense now that I think back on it.
1st time, your smile, fireworks. Okay.
(& thanks for picking my clothes for me that day.)
Going out shopping after the night I told you shopping with you would be troublesome.
Probably. It was. It wasn't? Idk. Haha lol. Cotton on complaints. What'd we do after that?
Oh yes. Songs. SOTA? Your friends. Man Utd! hekk~ 3am? Do you still have the key chain?
I honestly get very.. confused when we hang out. Why? What reasons do I have to?
Your cousin's house? Why? That topic. Why?
What did we do after that? Double-decker bus. Your essay. Lasers.
Honestly what was I thinking? lolololololol. Double chocolate! I know the reason for that.
Promise seen through~ ^^ Got lost. Long bus ride. Yishun~ What the hell was that man.
That same day running around random places.
Bukit batok? Your friends. Ramli burger. lololol. It's getting more random.
Since when do "real men" have to eat beef instead of chicken?
Your graduation present. My awesome masterpiece. To be honest I think I draw better now.
1st hug. Lololol. Thank you. I was sad that day. Then happy. Then hurt. Hekk.
You probably didn't know then. The portrait's trying to say it's rightfully yours.
Because it's a drawing of you. & because I don't own you. Hahaha.
Mehhehh. That was a fun irony. & just so you know I knew you'd text me back fast.
Couldn't help being curious bout what it was so you opened it right after you got on the bus.
Just guessing. But I'm glad I made you smile. That was the only time you found me awesome.
Thanks babe. Haha! Wth man. Purple paper & red ribbons. Right?
Let's see.. what else, what else..?
Chalet. I'm sorry. I was rude. That was completely me. Hahaha~
But then it won't be me without mood swings.
Ah yeahh.. what ever happened to your invitation to help you with FYP?
Hahaha. We really are very random. I still don't get what's happening anywhere.
Playing around backstage was fun though.
There were lots of memories. I can't continue talking shit about everything right?
You're right. At times I just can't talk & look you in the eye.
Inwardly Clarke quay was funnehh. Honestly I thought I knew things about you.
I don't. I don't know anything.
What's the point of writing everything?
Nothing. I was just reminiscing. Hahaha. You.. always bring me to a state of utter confusion.
Kudos. Now that your period of reign has long past.. I can write all this without feeling stupid.
Because I am. I'm very stupid.
& I will be for a long time to come.
& things won't change. & I will continue to be a little crazy, a little random & a little mean.
& I will continue to wonder.. After I gave up on you, I had to get everything outta my chest.
& even though you know.
Why is it you.. who starts those bitter lame short insignificant one Q one word answer convos.
Why ever at all? I guess what I mean to say is.. I will think of you from time to time.
& sometimes wonder.. why do you even bother?
& when you actually search for me..
More so.. I wonder, to what do I owe this honour? I'm being blatantly straightforward.
SyidahAinVeeJr.; 3:36 PM
♫|Nostalgia|
