Feb 27, 2012:Caught up in the past.
Dear diary,, Mon-dayy *27o212*.
My curse is possibly to forever be..
The Jack of all trades; master of none.
I can do this, maybe that.. sometimes good at it..
Never the best.
& I realise this. I never claim to be more than I am.
It's not that I keep wanting more, it's that I know my limitations.
I get praised by people who know nothing of the things I know certain things of.
& I feel funny getting praised for these certain things & I know I don't deserve it.
& yet there's still not enough words to explain how I feel really because..
Thoughts similar to these flood my mind a lot & I get lost as to where to go next.
let's go back to the start.
My favourite photos are the ones I have no memory of.
Or some. Because my judgment wasn't the reason of those smiles.
Gosh we were so cool back then.
Vintage!!
SyidahAinVeeJr.; 11:20 PM
Feb 26, 2012:Updates.
Dear diary,, Sun-dayy *26o212*.
Man.. getting so uninterested. Starting to pay less attention on entertaining my audience.
My sole purpose of this blog used to be interactivity. Like cool links or stories.
Anyway.. The last time I updated was on the 20th right?
Let's see if anything interesting happened. =/
I had my last UT3(examination) onthe 22nd, a Wednesday.
That day marked the official end of my 2nd year. ^^ Had to meet Serence d'Cotta after my test.
I had lunch with Teddy & Karthik~ That was fun coz the conversations are always random.
I got more information from Serene d'Cotta then Lam Fung on my Final Year Project.
Not because Lam Fung's bad or anything but Serene answered my questions in detail.
After that Nisa joined us before her UT.
We had this 2hr+ conversation on the similarities & differences in religion at South.
Christianity(Evangelical/Jewish), Catholic, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Islam, etc.
Was kinda cool & funny maybe when Karthik starts talking comically about things.
I learned lots'a things~ Seriously fun convo in all modesty of our lack of knowledge.
The best part is that all 3 of us(Teddy, K & Me) weren't judgmental.
So it was more of storytelling than debating & we were pretty open minded.
After that I kinda misplaced my wallet so I asked the 2 to go ahead without me.
Silly me, I hate this part of my personality. But I got it back & bumped into Lily!
Waited for her UT to end at W1L3 & caught up on my sleep(didn't get any the night before..).
There was this lady who tapped on my shoulder to wake me up & offered me curry puffs.
Random shit like that always happen to me but the curry puffs were unbelievably spicy.
Went home & bought cream puffs! Those were yummy~ The cream tasted like ice cream.
25o212: Sentosa! Hekk~
t'was a humid day but all in all I had fun~ Helped Zai out for this activity for the handicapped.
Man it was a little stressing for certain reasons that can't be helped. But it was ok~
My 1st time at the Merlion & IOS. Met lots of awesome people~ Lucky enough to not get scolded.
Things happened. It was a little disorganized because the attendance list kept changing.
Poor Daryl wasted his efforts to reorganize & regroup the people only to have it changed again.
Other than that to me everything was fine. After that we went to Siloso beach for a swim.
My complexion was already bad enough so I didn't want a sunburn or saltwater.
I didn't however make 2 or3 new songs due to boredom, exhaustion & sleepiness.
Bumped into Adam at the bus interchange~ Small world. Hugs!
Had a long sleep in the excruciatingly cold temperature in 188 & 300.
Knocked out once I reached home. But I'm pretty satisfied with the new songs.
So the boys heard what I said about wanting to be a guy. If you knew me long enough already..
SyidahAinVeeJr.; 7:32 PM
Feb 20, 2012:Who's to know what's right & what's wrong?
Dear diary,, Mon-dayy *2oo212*.
I am living proof of an individual human being's imperfection.
Today I spent hours reading up on things.
Like Darul Arqam's "TMR(The muslim reader) magazine" on Muslim Converts' stories.
It's not an easy thing, to fight our laziness & go out of our way to do what is expected of us.
Let's look at a more general non-Muslim context. Studying. Dudeee~ I hate studying.
& each time I find myself go back to having faith.. laziness got me procrastinating.
Today I found myself thinking over & over again
"Not there yet".
I'm not there yet. Heck I don't think I'll ever be there yet. It's a long term thing.
It's like you can pour your heart & soul to doing deeds everyday & still not be sure if it's enough.
& I guess the only thing that you can do is keep doing it.
& people get scared thinking "I slack a lot. I'm probably going to hell. I'm such a bad person."
It's that "fear" that you still have that I think pretty much means there's hope for you yet.
What you should be afraid of is when you start to feel very numb of things.
In fact I'm not sure of that view whereby only those who embrace Islam are good people.
To be honest I think that if you have a faith that you avidly carry out with earnest sincerity..
& your heart remains unsullied & just to the rest of human kind no matter how different..
Is there really any way for you to go wrong? Because my God Allah s.w.t. is all merciful.
Because the do'as that we recite gets me repeating how forgiving & how understanding He is.
How merciful & loving. How it doesn't matter to what extent you screw up..
If at the end you come back to his grace with utmost regret & sincerely ask for forgiveness.
Because that is what religion is to me. That is what Islam is for me. & I'm lucky I have it easy.
Islam provides for me "assuage".
The times I actually find myself searching for answers, I feel relieved of pain & fear & grief.
When I pray, I don't feel anymore anger or frustration. Though I am nowhere near a role model.
Everyday is like a constant battle for me. I find myself guilty of frequent procrastination.
This is as honest as I can get. "Should I wake up & pray? But I'm so lazyyy~"
Then I find myself lying around in bed wasting the whole day away.
& then there are times where I suddenly find the motivation to do things.
& I surprise myself for having the willpower to sit & uncover do'as & their meanings for long hrs.
& then I get too happy with myself or arrogant thinking other Muslims are lacking.
Because there are elders who are born-Muslim & cover up but still choose to gossip.
& I have to remind myself that nobody's perfect & that sometimes we let ourselves go.
But it's our duty & the better ver. of "Jihad" to always have that constant battle within ourselves.
Because it's our duty to constantly try & find the truth. If we lose track, search for it.
If we do something wrong, ask for forgiveness. Do a good deed. Learn from it.
Erasing our wrongs isn't really the point. The point is that we know where is it wrong exactly.
& don't repeat. If we have hardships, confide in Allah s.w.t. or our respective Gods.
But at the same time, don't expect immediate results. Don't blame God for the hardships.
Aren't you glad enough that you're not alone? That there will always be someone there for you.
Even if you're atheist or think it's a fairytale.. even that "blind faith" can make you feel at peace.
Why ever not? Even if you go so far as to think they're lies.. if they make you a better person..
Then is it really that bad. Is it really evil? My friend calls it(religion) "Philosophy".
He gathers Philosophies & filters them, takes what he needs & put it to practice.
Good enough for me. If that makes him a better person then okay let's go~
"Remember that there were times when you didn't know what you already know now."
I think it's something like that.. I don't remember where I read that but it helps.
Keeps me from judging others who are either ignorant or think they hold superior.
Because I'm not perfect & I've had my share of sins too. & I'm not perfect so I apologize.
& the people around me might or might not accept the things that I do.
For there will always be at least one person in each moment of your life who dislikes you."
Said my friend & I agree. I'm going to just have to live with it & continue my own research.
Pull myself back from urges & temptations to do wrong. Constantly apologize for my mistakes.
Constantly remind myself, search for the motivation to not die an inactive Muslim.
& constantly search for the truth, & for God, Allah s.w.t.
Because no matter how many ridicule you, He's the one who'll always on your side.
& I know there'll be times that I'll get strayed or just lazy. But I'll work hard to stop.
& stick up to the awesome name given to me at birth.
Nur(Light) Shahiddah(Witness/Truth) Ain(Precious)
Bte(Daughter of) Jumaat(Friday; The holy day).
However you may interpret it as.
& why did I post this "excruciatingly" long post you ask?
Because there's this part of being a Muslim about giving "da'wa".
& I don't think I'd ever dare to shoulder the responsibility of teaching someone what's "right".
So the best I can do is describe my own experience & rationalize what could be in store.
SyidahAinVeeJr.; 9:07 PM
♫|Nostalgia|
|Melancholy|♪
