here's to wishing i'd never wake up again..

ohh god. what has happened to my brother.
his brain is like this supermassive blackhole that sucks in all info
& filters it into a void of negativity.

how can a convo that started with tv turn to police & govt. & the anarchy?
i just came out to eat dinner & he..
using his usual gangster-wannabe tone..
accused me in this rude confident way that i changed his channel.
Dude.. i just came out. & im eating.
i was pissed so i just commented that i didn't.
& that this whole situation is nonsensical.
"merepek sey. =_=||"

from then onwards.. he blew up.
wtf?
bro: "don't act like you're so smart.
i know im stupid & whatever but don't you dare talk to me like that.
you don't have to spew vulgarities bla3."

wow. didn't know nonsense is a vulgarity.
& i didn't mean he was nosense.. though now i think he is.
i meant the SITUATION.
if you think you can't deal then what about me?
i have to deal with more people then you.
you just skip school & go wee!~ everyday.

& worse.. you're just adding to my headache.
This one feels like a supernova.
Like my brain is a star that just exploded.
Keep this up & my mind will become a blackhole like urs.
only more active coz i've just supernova-ed.

Then everyone won't be able to out-talk me.
Coz i talk gibberish & will be so confident of myself.
& they won't have a chance to talk.

it's not that i hate you bro.
it's that i love you a lot but you don't know.
& it's that i can't talk sense to you.
& that you're so unreacheable i feel like my head will burst.
you are just effing frustrating.


& to my sis whom i truly love..
no. im not gving up on our friendship.
i just haven't found the right timing, atmosphere & courage to set things right.
i will i promise.. but 1st i need to break down the wall between us.
yes.. i've realised since the 1st time we've met that it was there.
but i just don't know how to be rid of it.
respect just draws the line between me & you beng friends..

maybe what johnson said is right..
im scared to live.
but at the same time what's keeping me from jumping of the building..
is also fear itself.
& my mind.
the knowledge it contains that jumping will only let hell break loose for me.



to my bestfriend & a true angel..
someone i love still & always will..
i need you now.
but why aren't you here..?
why did you go without me?
why didn't you take me with you?